Alias: Odd dorkly
Hi. I'm genderfluid, 28 and my pronouns are ze/hir. I'm asking this question because as my alias suggests I always feel like the odd one out and have always struggled with making friends. It's especially hard when you're always the outsider and invisible to the capitalist world. How do you make new friends at this age when everyone pretty much has their own little group of people and this capitalist system leaves no time for people to want to make new friends. Thus, most people are looking to date someone in that little leftover time. So, how do people even become friends with new people?
Hi Odd dorkly,
As we are writing to you in 2020, we are living through a global pandemic. If making friends was hard under the schedule enforced by the capitalist system, it’s a little harder when we are forced to stay inside our homes.
To combat the inherent loneliness of being cooped up and at the same time expanding your circle in these Rona-times, an effective strategy may be to reach out to people you knew in the past but lost touch with, or those you have admired from afar. Since everyone (barring essential workers) has some free time on their hands, whether it be from not having to commute to work every day or from not being able to go to the movies/restaurants/clubs/gyms, it’s likely that the person you are reaching out to, is equally restless and wouldn’t mind the change of pace your digital presence brings to them. This could be a great time to message that person you have always meant to talk to but who just didn’t make it high enough on your things-to-do. Perhaps your interactions with them now may even turn them into a more permanent fixture in your life when we re-enter “normal” times?
Speaking of “normal” times, many people, especially marginalized identities, probably relate to your question.
One of the reliable ways we have found to expand our circle while meeting the demands of capitalism is to dedicate a set amount of time to a hobby by joining a group class. These can be expensive, but depending on the city you live in, trial classes are often free. Because of lockdown, many of these trial classes have started online modules which are likely to continue even after physical gatherings become safe again, and this could be a cheaper option. Having a shared goal/interest is a pretty good bet when it comes to making friends!
For some of us, navigating a world with cis-binary-expectations and entering new groups may actually be dangerous. In this case, writing to the instructor/facilitator/organizer beforehand, asking whether they are a LGBT friendly space could be helpful in avoiding overt queer-phobia. Unfortunately, even in the safest of spaces, the setting may still make you feel like the “odd one out” if your group comprises normative identities, but at least having that one interest/goal in common will give everyone something to break the ice.
Another option is to volunteer for something you feel passionate about. It’s a safe way to meet people who share your values. And bonus: in both cases, you are unlikely to be the only "outsider".
We understand that such options require a certain amount of time or money, and definitely effort. Of course, some of these new interactions will be a flop but there is no substitute for putting yourself out there. But once you are in these spaces that offer common ground naturally, we hope someone will strike your fancy!
Stay questioning,
The Second Puberty